I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
