i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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