Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
