I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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