New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Farmville is her only friend.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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