ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
