She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Randomize
