sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You pole danced in your parka.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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