brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
