Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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