how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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