Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It's just like the Real World with babies
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
