I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
