I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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