I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
