Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
