Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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