I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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