Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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