Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
