My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
