last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Randomize
