My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
