I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
