If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
