He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
