My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
