he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
