So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
