I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
