Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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