i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Randomize
