I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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