i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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