I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
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