Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
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he has the hands of the vagina gods.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
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And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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