Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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