hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
