his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
