omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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