I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
