Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
