Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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