Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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