Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
