Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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