I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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