She's JV to your varsity
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
