guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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