so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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