do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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