I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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