Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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