i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
