Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
