she woke up with a sticky ear
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
