Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
