I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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